December 18th, 2009

Expounding on something cool (Doctor Who

How to be a secret agent

I feel I could be a secret agent.

Okay, I’m not quite up to leaping through windows on the end of a rope or concealing parachutes in my pants (they itch; seriously). I don’t suppose I could fight an assassin in my underwear (why is he/she even in my underwear?), and my chances of infiltrating a secret base by guile and gymnastic martial arts are fairly minimal. I can’t speak foreign languages, and I loathe guns.

But I do have one qualification. Under pressure, my brain stalls entirely. For example:

Receptionist at doctors: When’s your son’s birthday?
Me: Um...
R: When’s your wife’s birthday?
Me: Um...
R: When’s your birthday?
Me: Um...
R: When’s Christmas?
Me: Um...

My brain freezes quicker than if I’d dunked my head in a vat of liquid Helium, and I can’t even remember my name.

This is absolutely perfect for a secret agent. When I was captured (and I would be, due to the above deficiencies), I wouldn’t be able to reveal a thing, because my brain would be totally non-functioning. It’s perfect.

So, what’s your qualification to be a secret agent? Non-existent prize for the best answer...